Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in kategladstone's LiveJournal:

Thursday, June 5th, 2008
12:55 am	If the "Bee Gees" Wrote Rifle Instruction Manuals (or: The M16A1 for Disco Lovers) IF THE "BEE GEES" WROTE RIFLE INSTRUCTION MANUALS, or, STAYIN' ALIVE WITH YOUR M16A1: BASIC TRAINING FOR DISCO LOVERS by Kate Gladstone tune: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees This is a rifle — Em-Sixteen-A-One — Don't let me hear you call it a gun. To strip this babe and keep her clean, You first remove the magazine. Then open the bolt, check within The chamber for ammo, press the pin Right, pull back charging handle and Bolt carrier assembly: understand? This is the way you gotta strip your rifle, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Strip 'n' clean your rifle, 'cause your rifle ain't a trifle For stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Steps .. one ... through ... four Of stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Keep ... on ... , there's ... more For stayin' ali-i-i-ve ... Take the bolt and carrier assembly out, Then the charging handle, then push out The firing pin retaining pin, Put the bolt in LOCK. Now listen in: The retaining pin has one split end, Don't open or close that end, my friend. Keep going, we are nowhere done With the care of the Em-Sixteen-A-One: This is the way you gotta strip your rifle, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Strip 'n' clean your rifle, 'cause your rifle ain't a trifle For stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Steps ... five ... through ... eight Of stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Keep ... them ... all ... straight For stayin' ali-i-i-ve ... Take out the firing pin and the bolt com pin. Give the bolt com pin a quarter spin. From the carrier assembly now pull out The bolt. Use the firing pin to push out The extractor pin. If you need to clean, Remove the extractor and the spring Assembly: do not damage, lose, Or separate them — that's abuse: This is the way you gotta strip your rifle, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Strip 'n' clean your rifle, 'cause your rifle ain't a trifle For stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Steps nine ... through ... thir...teen ... Of stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Learn ... the ... rou...tine ... For stayin' ali-i-i-ve ... Remove sling, handguards (pull down the slip ring) Now the firing pin is just the thing To release the pivot pin of the receiver. Now separate upper and lower receiver. Push the buffer assembly a quarter inch in, Push the buffer retainer in, Release the guide and one last thing: Take out the buffer assembly and spring — This is the way you gotta strip your rifle, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Strip 'n' clean your rifle, 'cause your rifle ain't a trifle For stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Steps four...teen ... through nine...teen ... Of stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Learn ... the ... rou...tine ... For stayin' ali-i-i-ve ... Now you thought you were through, but oh, no fear: You gotta get your rifle back into gear, So we'll take each step from end to end, And do them all in reverse, my friend. That's right: before mess call today, We'll do it all the other way, Strip, assemble, no mistake, Till y'all can do it half-awake: This is the way you gotta strip your rifle, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Strip 'n' clean your rifle, 'cause your rifle ain't a trifle For stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Now ... you ... have ... got, For stayin' alive, stayin' alive, Some ... kind... of... ... shot At stayin' ali-i-i-ve ... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
11:49 am	song: for all authors/publishers/readers of fantasy novels I Am The Very Model Of A Novelist Fantastical Lyricist: Kate Gladstone, 2006 Composers: Gilbert & Sullivan, 1879 ("I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General" in THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE) [AUTHOR sings:] I am the very model of a novelist fantastical, Who builds a world and characters in phrases periphrastical — My elf names are mellifluously full of vowels, "R"s, and "L"s, My princess wields a sword and quests her lover through a dozen hells! I've borrowed themes abundant, which the cover calls "Tolkienian," From fairy-tales and epics French, Norwegian, and Slovenian. The minions of my Dark Lord don't allow the heroes lots of ease, But you can tell who'll win a battle by whose name has more apostrophes! [CHORUS OF BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS:] You can tell who'll win a battle by whose name has more apostrophes! You can tell who'll win a battle by whose name has more apostrophes! You can tell who'll win a battle by whose name has more apostro-postrophes! [AUTHOR:] I'm good at integrating Irish, Norse, and Greek mythology With neo-pagan practices and New Age pop psychology: In short, in matters mythic, plagiaristic, and bombastical, I am the very model of a novelist fantastical! [CHORUS:] In short, in matters mythic, plagiaristic, and bombastical, You are the very model of a novelist fantastical! [AUTHOR:] I've written twelve heptalogies — each with the others interlocks — The flat-out contradictions, all my fans call pretty paradox. The quotes that head each chapter use a language I made up myself — The grammar is erratic, but my works go flying off the shelf! I sign my books at Worldcon with an autograph you can't decrypt — Which I copied from my three-year-old: I tell them it is dragon script — And then I chant a stanza which I call a Dwarvish battle verse: But if you listen closely, it's pig-Latined Gaelic in reverse! [CHORUS:] But if you listen closely, it's pig-Latined Gaelic in reverse! But if you listen closely, it's pig-Latined Gaelic in reverse! But if you listen closely, it's pig-Latined Gaelic in reverse, reverse! [AUTHOR:] Though my plots and situations use a background quite medievalish, I've based on modern villains all the people who are evilish. In short, in matters topical, satiric, and sarcastical, I am the very model of a novelist fantastical! [CHORUS:] In short, in matters topical, satiric, and sarcastical, You are the very model of a novelist fantastical! [AUTHOR:] In fact, when I care that a sword should not weigh fifty pounds or more — When I've learned that riding bareback on a stallion leaves your bottom sore If done in chainmail kilt with absolutely nothing under it — When my raiders torch a city after, not before, they plunder it — When I avoid capricious breach of mathematical and physics laws — When no longer do my plots depend upon such very silly flaws — When I compose with more coherence than a sick Australopithecine — [ASIDE: 'Australopithecine — '...pithecine' — hmm, hmmm — ah!] You'll say there never was a better modern-era mythos seen! [CHORUS:] We'll say there never was a better modern-era mythos seen, We'll say there never was a better modern-era mythos seen, We'll say there never was a better modern-era mythos, mythos seen! [AUTHOR:] Though I'll soon be nominated to receive a Hugo (so I think), My themes are unoriginal, my prose _clichés_ all clank and clink — But, when I've mastered matters both creative and scholastical, I'll be the very model of a novelist fantastical! [CHORUS:] Yes, when you've mastered matters both creative and scholastical, You'll be the very model of a novelist fantastical! Current Mood: humor satire (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
8:30 am	for those who remember "Little Rabbit Foo-Foo" ... For those who remember "Little Rabbit Foo-Foo" ... visit http://kip-w.livejournal.com/215011.html where a friend of mine has posted its Viking Epic Version: THE FÚFUMAL ... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2007
10:28 am	introduction and CREATIONIST'S CHANTEY (satire warning!) I've decided to use this blog to post things I write for amusement — mostly filksongs (don't confuse them with folksongs) In posting here (which will happen infrequently — either more often, or less often, than you would like), my top priority will go to things that other people know I've written and have asked me to post. To know what I've written, check the rec.music.filk newsgroup, and/or the FilkArchive site at www.filkarchive.org.uk — between them, these two loci have much (not all) of my filk and similar items. (The FilkArchive site includes mp3 as well as, often, lyrics by many filkers). Let's start off with a satire. CREATIONISTS' CHANTEY (PI MUST EQUAL THREE) Lyrics ©2005 Kate Gladstone Music - Traditional tune, "Rolling Down to Old Maui" What a hard, tough life, full of toil and strife Creationists undergo, Making lessons fit what's in Holy Writ When the Universe says "No" - When we've done the deed that Our Lord's decreed Upon bi-ol-o-gy, We will blaze a path into basic math: Setting pi to equal three! CHORUS: Setting pi to equal three, Good Lord, Setting pi to equal three - We will blaze a path into basic math: Setting pi to equal three! What the Word makes plain, once [1] and then again [2], Can no longer be denied: Thirty units fence a cir-cum-fer-ence When ten stretch side to side. We support traditional values, so The school boards must agree - We will teach this truth to the nation's youth: That pi must equal three! CHORUS: That pi must equal three, Good Lord, That pi must equal three - We will teach this truth to the nation's youth That pi must equal three! We stand arrayed for a Pi Crusade To save the human race: For the Moon and Sun have to be re-done, So we must conquer space! To cease with Earth, the sphere of our birth, Would flirt with her-e-sy: Ev'ry star and world needs its curve re-curled, That pi may equal three! CHORUS: That pi may equal three, Good Lord, That pi may equal three - Ev'ry star and world needs its curve re-curled, That pi may equal three! We've a hardship, though, that you may not know, For observation tells That to see this through, we must alter, too, The form of the red blood cells! When we shift their shape, we shall not escape A martyr's ag-o-ny ... But we'll gladly die of correcting pi, For pi must equal three! CHORUS: For pi must equal three, Good Lord, For pi must equal three - We will gladly die of correcting pi, For pi must equal three! REFERENCES: [1] 1 Kings 7:23 [2] 2 Chronicles 4:2 (Comment on this)